XMAS WALK & LUNCH, WHIXLEY: 17 Dec 2011
‘Twas the week before Xmas & Santa’s worried. Last year his satnav failed and he
was forced into an emergency landing. Could have been nasty - clipped the top of
Wetherby Town Hall, bounced across the bridge, and came to rest before the Tardis
in the Police Station Car Park. Barely passed the breathalyser and they weren’t too
happy with his story. “Well officer, I break into houses and leave stuff behind”
- not terribly convincing is it? It was only when he conjured up two bottles of gin
for the Xmas party that they let him go with just a caution. I think they wanted
rid of the reindeer anyway - their high fibre diet has some unfortunate consequences,
although I believe Wetherby in Bloom had another bumper year. Every cloud as they
say... Almost turned ugly again on the way out when Dasher trod on the sergeant’s
foot. To cap it all, Mrs Claus was waiting for him at home, rolling pin in hand,
wanting to know why he was late. A night to forget frankly.
So this year Santa’s taking no chances. The elite SES (Santa’s Elf Service - Motto:
Who cares who wins) were despatched to a secret, remote location in North Yorkshire
to suss out possible emergency landing sites. I don’t think the elves were desperately
impressed. It’s not exactly a barrel of laughs knocking out 30 million Playstations
but at least the shed is warm and the mulled wine flows freely. Undercover work out
in the field is always tricky, you get no thanks for it and it can be awkward when
your cover is blown. Nobody has forgotten the encounter with the Home Guard in 1941,
I can tell you. I mean, do we look like parachutists? Anyway, after a couple of hours
wandering up and down endless fields, trying to look inconspicuous, (the camouflage
was good, I have to say) the elves stumbled across a hostelry. They only intended
to go in for a swift half and a warm by the fire, honest, but the pub had turkey,
and Xmas pud, all washed down with a couple of beers, and it would have been churlish
to refuse the hospitality wouldn’t it? Wasn’t only Rudolph had a red nose that afternoon.
And as for Santa? Well, he can take his chances frankly. Asking for trouble going
out on Xmas eve if you want my opinion.....
